


"What is stronger than the human heart that shatters over and over again and still lives?"

by carpethefanfics



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Blood, Depression, First War, Heart Break, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Marauders era, Sexual Content, Smoking, Swearing, Violence, implied nsfw
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-14
Updated: 2018-07-14
Packaged: 2019-06-10 00:05:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,350
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15279180
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/carpethefanfics/pseuds/carpethefanfics
Summary: Marauders Era. First War. What if Sirius had figured out Remus' secret mission? What would happen?





	"What is stronger than the human heart that shatters over and over again and still lives?"

**Author's Note:**

> Because @upthehillart can be very inspiring, I suppose this piece is a thank you for this beautiful piece of work which continues to influence my writing.
> 
> http://upthehillart.tumblr.com/post/164634487618/stealing-kisses-as-easily-as-cigarettes-ref#notes
> 
> A little wolfstar angst goes a long way.
> 
> Title by Rupi Kaur, poetess and pure sunshine. 
> 
> Enjoy.

  * It’s the roof
  * That’s where he goes when everything has been all too much
  * When everything starts to weigh on his mind and he can’t breath 
  * For the thousandth time he stands there
  * And he wishes the wind was howling 
  * Wishes it was tearing through his clothing and every nerve was standing on end
  * At least that would give him something to think about 
  * Something to focus on while he tries to wash the stench of that  ** _pit_** off his aching skin
  * He thought of it as a mausoleum
  * A tomb of old bones and dried blood 
  * They should have cracked beneath your feet but simply became dust when you stepped on them
  * It made him  **sick**
  * Night after night in there, he’s entirely sure he’s losing his mind
  * He’s never felt more disconnected from himself
  * His transformations are taking more from him than a physical toll now
  * Sure his shoulders are sore and his back is tired of breaking
  * He knows his fingers have been rubbed raw, his nails cracked
  * And the new scars that lie on his chest, on his cheek, are nothing short of familiar
  * But its his mind
  * His mind is floating outside of his body watching his other form do terrible, terrible things
  * And he wonders, when he wakes up, if the blood on his neck came from his muzzle, from his teeth
  * He wonders, when he wakes up, if he’s even human when he’s Remus
  * If his  _furry little problem_  ever really goes to bed 
  * He wonders if it lies awake inside him, staring out through his eyes
  * _Are we not one and the same then?_
  * “Remus?”
  * The hairs on the back of his neck stand up
  * And there are only two voices in the world that could ever do that
  * “When did you get back? I didn’t even hear you come in?”
  * It’s concern and suspicion all wrapped into one in Sirius’ voice
  * Concern because he knows what his transformations are like
  * He has seen the vicious nature that lies embedded in Remus Lupin
  * And he knows Remus spirals into a darkness he may never come out one day for weeks afterwards
  * But suspicion because there’s a war and he’s a monster and honestly Remus wouldn’t expect anything less
  * “Because I haven’t been in yet.” 
  * “Were you  _even planning_  on coming in?”
  * Remus shrugs
  * It’s not entirely honest because he hadn’t at all planned on it
  * He tried to keep his distance as much as possible these days
  * He didn’t want their scents to linger on his skin when he went back
  * “Well good thing I came up for a smoke then”
  * Sirius was standing beside him overlooking the small cobblestone street and the unlit lamps that decorated the shops that surrounded them
  * His hair wasn’t pulled up like it usually was
  * The dark locks flowed around his neck and across his shoulders
  * Remus could feel the scent of Sirius’ shampoo wafting towards him
  * He couldn’t help but clench his jaw as he took it in
  * “You were gone longer this time”
  * Remus nods again
  * He’s afraid to speak, especially nowadays
  * He doesn’t want Sirius to yell, even though he knows he deserves it
  * Knows a proper lashing for keeping secrets from his best mates is what he should get
  * But, despite this mission being a request from Dumbledore, he can’t bear to utter the words
  * The look on Sirius’ face 
  * The pleading for him to stop would crumble all his resolve to do it
  * And that’s the problem, its his resolve that knows he can keep them safe if he doesn’t stop
  * “I haven’t seen you in weeks and you’re just going to shrug at me all night?”
  * Sirius purposefully bumps his arm against Remus’ as he says it
  * Lets an over exaggerated exasperated breath that’s  _so very Sirius Black_  leave his lips at the same time
  * And Remus can feel the itching in his hand to touch him climb all the way up his arm
  * An itch he’s been wanting to scratch to death since they left school
  * Since those many nights of close calls all those years ago when he had wanted to do more,  ** _be more_** , than they ever had
  * But he closes his eyes instead
  * Centering himself, pulling himself out of that
  * _We aren’t the same two kids anymore_
  * "Not all night.”
  * Sirius lets out a snort, something derisive and half-hearted
  * “How are you feeling? After last night I mean.”
  * Remus knows when he’s digging, when he’s trying to be nonchalant 
  * Letting the newly lit cigarette hang in his lips as he slips his wand back into the band of his jeans
  * Remus catches the familiar sight of Sirius’ skin when he does it
  * And he wonders if he lets his jeans ride that low on purpose
  * If he intends for Remus to grind his teeth together a little harder, to feel a little worse for wear knowing there’s nothing he can do
  * _Nothing he can touch_
  * “M’fine, sore but nothing I haven’t dealt with.” 
  * Remus rolls his shoulders back and tries to let the exhaustion roll off
  * “You’re getting better you know that?”
  * Sirius lets the smoke leave his lips as he speaks
  * Drifting away from the two of them over the edge of the roof 
  * Remus tilts his head towards him and cocks his eyebrow
  * “At lying I mean, you’re getting better.”
  * _There it is_
  * Sirius is looking at him intently
  * The look in his eyes just begging,  _begging_ Remus to fight him, to argue, to tell him everything that’s running through his mind
  * His lips pull into a slight smirk, his arms cross over his chest
  * The faint orange light of the cigarette caught between his fingers still burning
  * “I’m not doing this with you again”
  * Remus turns from Sirius and as soon as he does he can feel everything in his mind that he had been trying to push off the edge of the roof climb onto his back
  * “Doing what Remus? Having a conversation? Talking to me like a  _normal_ human being without running away from every subject you deem touchy?”
  * Sirius’ voice is raising and his words are cutting, just as he intends them to be
  * “I said I’m not fucking doing this right now.”
  * Remus spits back
  * The aching inside his bones that wants to lie down and sleep for the next several sunlit days is fierce
  * But still somehow Sirius is fiercer
  * “Then when? Tomorrow? The day after that? Will you even be here for that long?”
  * Sirius’ hand is gripping his arm, whirling him around before he can tear it out of his grip
  * Before he can run
  * Sirius is starring daggers into his eyes and Remus would know that silver anywhere
  * It’s an angry colour, a fearsome colour
  * A shade of grey Remus hated to bring out in him
  * “How much longer do you think you can keep running from me?”
  * “Do I look like I’m running?”
  * Remus had always been taller but standing over Sirius and trying to get him to back down like some feral alpha made him feel small
  * “You’ve been running from me since we met. You can’t hide every part of yourself forever!”
  * Sirius took a step closer
  * Remus could almost feel his chest, could hear the blood pumping through his veins and sense the way his heart raced
  * _He wondered if Sirius could hear his heart pounding too_
  * “You never let me get closer than this Remus!”
  * There noses were almost aligned as Sirius pushed forward again
  * He could smell the smoke on his breath
  * The cologne on his skin
  * But Remus refused to back down, refused to keep having this fight every time he saw him
  * He rips his arm from Sirius’ grip
  * Ready to get downstairs, ready to apparate on the street and come back in a few days or weeks
  * Maybe even months this time, he’s not sure
  * He’s never sure
  * But Sirius isn’t budging, his hand squeezes tighter, pulls on his tighter
  * **“You know I can smell them on you.”**
  * Remus freezes
  * The anger building up inside him has dissolved into nothing more than shame and guilt and fear
  * “Perks of my animagus I guess”
  * This is everything Remus feared balled up into one minute moment
  * “Nothing to say now? Greyback got your tongue?”
  * Sirius lets his hand drop and Remus knows that that’s more painful than the gripping before
  * He can’t help but take in the way Sirius’ jaw clenches and his eyes narrow
  * He’s waiting for him to cave
  * Or maybe waiting for him to fight
  * He’s always waiting
  * And he get his wish when the dam holding the semblance of peace Remus kept in his mind bursts 
  * “Fine Sirius, fine!”
  * **He’s drained**
  * “You want to hear this, you want to hear how inside I’ve been driving myself, you want to know what I’m thinking!”
  * **He’s exasperated**
  * “I thinking that you’re absolutely  _mental_ to believe I want to keep all this inside? I think that if you believe for one second I fucking  _enjoy_ lying to you and staying away from you means you don’t know me at all! How could anyone want to keep feeling like they could never do anything normal?!”
  * Remus can feel the weights on his shoulders falling off his back the more he speaks, can feel his head emptying the more he lets go
  * “I’m not normal Sirius! I’ll never get to be normal!”
  * The yelling feels so good, a release he so badly needed
  * “And if I have to let Dumbledore take advantage of that to win this war and keep my friends safe then so fucking be it!”
  * He knows when he lets his blood get this heated his eyes turn from amber to gold but he can’t calm himself down, he can’t close the dam back up
  * “You think I want to sleep in that  **hell**? You think I wouldn’t rather be in that apartment? You think when I’m there I don’t lie awake at night wishing I was in that bed with you doing absolutely fucking anything but sleeping”
  * He sees Sirius’ eyes go wide
  * “I fucking hate what I am and I hate it even more because of Jamie and Pete and Lily”
  * And as the final world leave his lips Remus can’t believe it
  * “And I hate it even more because I have to  **you**.”
  * But suddenly he swallows the rest of them before they can leave his mouth because the silver in Sirius’ eyes has turned to liquid rather than steel
  * And Sirius lunges
  * Lifts his arms to rest on Remus’ shoulders and for once he thinks
  * _This is a weight I can bear_
  * His lips are different but  _oh god_  the feeling is the same
  * The way Remus’ skin tingles and stomach burns is the same 
  * His mouth is hot and his tongue is hot and Remus feels like he’s way too close to the sun
  * The taste of Sirius on his tongue is something he never thought he’d have again but its there and he has it 
  * His eyes are still open and his hands are still at his side 
  * And he doesn’t know why this is happening or where it’s going to go but then Sirius pulls him in tighter and bloody  _groans_
  * The deep guttural sound leaving his throat is making Remus’ stomach swirl
  * And he keeps pulling Remus in
  * Letting his arm wrap around Remus’ neck, pushing together until the tops of their thighs touch, their chests touch
  * The swooping feeling inside him is enough to make everything click
  * He feels his hands intertwine in Sirius’ shirt and he pushes them closer together
  * He wants to feel him, feel him like he used to feel them before the prank and the war and the whole bloody mess the world has become
  * He wants to feel normal again
  * Like he doesn’t have to be the monster he knows he is
  * Like, for just one brief moment, this can be a kiss
  * And Sirius’ lips can be earth shattering
  * And his mind isn’t yelling, screaming, at him to stop before he goes to far
  * **But there it is**
  * Loud and clear and all too much 
  * This has to stop
  * _“Sirius”  
_
  * Their foreheads are resting together now
  * Their chests heaving, grasping at the air that no longer fills their lungs
  * “Stay Remus, one night, just  ** _stay_** ”
  * Remus eyes are still closed not ready for this moment to end
  * Not ready for the tingling in his lips to dissipate 
  * But he knows where this night could go
  * His stomach is tight with the anticipation of what it would feel like, what it could be like to touch Sirius in all the ways he’d ever wanted again
  * In the ways he’s only dreamed about since they lost it all
  * **“I can’t”**
  * Sirius arms are still wrapped around him but he can feel them loosen at his words
  * His fingers brushing the nap of Remus’ neck stop
  * _“Please Moony”_
  * Sirius’ voice is soft and low and the begging is stirring something inside him he hasn’t felt in so long
  * But he can’t
  * He knows if he keeps going, if he lets his fingers graze Sirius’ skin he won’t be able to hold himself back
  * If he lets his mouth explore him there won’t be anywhere to go back to
  * And he knows they’ll smell him on Remus for weeks
  * And he can’t have that
  * **He can never have that**
  * “I have to go”
  * He pulls back, unwinds Sirius arms from his neck, and pulls back
  * Lets his feet walk him backwards, barely lets his eyes touch Sirius’ face out of fear he’ll try to stop him
  * Out of fear he’ll stop himself
  * “When are you coming back?”
  * He wishes Sirius was still angry
  * He didn’t realize how much harder it would be to walk away when someones voice isn’t biting, when it’s just sadness
  * And Remus shrugs as he slips through the door to the stairwell 
  * As he lets his legs carry him far from here
  * He can’t speak 
  * He can’t bear to lie again



**Author's Note:**

> http://carpethefanfics.tumblr.com/post/175848707792/what-is-stronger-than-the-human-heart-that


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